Teambuilding, Joker Style
by cvreitzer
Summary: Shepard is desperate to unite the team.  So desperate that she agrees to let Joker try his hand at it.
1. Chapter 1

Shepard sighed as she flopped down onto the half wall beside Joker. He tore his eyes off his screens to check on his woman. He grinned as he thought it. He liked thinking it, but he liked being unbroken so he'd never tell her that.

"So things didn't go as smoothly as you thought they would, did they?" He asked working on keeping the smugness from his voice. If he was smug, she might make him sleep in his bunk tonight.

"Not really. Apparently the Cerberus crew doesn't have any common sense that would tell them that old earth vids about aliens would be insulting to oh, say, our alien crewmembers."

"They didn't!" Joker said turning to give Shepard his full attention then. He was all about playing jokes on people, but he knew when not to cross a line.

"Oh, yes. Yes, they did. Mild mannered Samara and Thane, not so mild mannered when pissed." Shepard said and rubbed her eyes tiredly.

"I'm surprised Garrus didn't beat someone bloody." Joker said reaching out to lay a comforting hand on Shepard's leg.

"All he did was give me a look and shake his head. He said it was little wonder we'd fought with the turians if that was how humans thought." Shepard groaned and shook her head. "All I wanted to do was unite the team a little. I know they would all follow me into hell, but I need them to have each other's backs as well. I need to know if something happens to me this time that they…" She trailed off and caught Joker's hand. "I'm sorry." She said quickly.

"Don't even think it. You are not leaving me again, do you understand me?" He ordered and stood up so he could awkwardly give her a hug. They still weren't too sure how to go about being a normal couple, but each was committed to trying. "And as to teambuilding, maybe you need to think outside of the box."

"Gee, thanks, Joker. I feel so much better now." She pouted but gave him a quick kiss. "Thanks for the effort though. Maybe I was foolish to believe I could make anyone work as a team here. There is too big of a line to cross. There's my team and the Cerberus team." Shepard hung her head. "I'm going to my room. I have a bunch of apologies to try and come up with before tomorrow. See you in a bit."

Joker couldn't stand to see her so defeated. He caught her arm. "I think I have an idea. Don't ask questions. You are just going to have to trust me." He said as she gave him a look.

She sighed. "So long as it doesn't offend anymore of my friends, fine." She started off and turned back to him. "And it better be legal."

Joker smirked at her. "You want results?"

"I'm going to regret this." She sighed. "Fine. Do your plan."

**-0-**

"You want us to what?" Garrus asked looking at Joker as if he'd asked him to dance.

"You heard me. It's a competition. You all owe me massive amounts of credit. This is a way to earn it back. Each pair gets a certain amount of your debt forgiven. Unless you'd rather pay me." Joker smirked at the grumbling room of men. They'd been playing a week long game of Skyllian Five.

Shepard thought the game his way of making them a team and had shook her head about his 'out of the box' thinking. But it was just a ruse to get to the team building part. He'd worked his skills for days now and had them all right where he wanted them.

"This seems…juvenile. I do not see why you would even want them. Are you unhappy with Shepard?" Thane asked cocking his head to the side and blinking at him with his double lids.

"I'm more than happy with Shepard. That's not what this is about. It's a game. It will be fun. Trust me."

"Thane's right. This is juvenile." Garrus agreed. "Shepard would never approve."

"It was her idea." Joker added and hoped they didn't call his bluff. It had sort of been her idea. She wanted them to work as a team and had told him to go ahead with his plan. All the men eyed him suspiciously.

"What the hell? Hanging around this blasted ship is making me antsy. At least this is a hunt of sorts." Zaeed said with a nod. "All you pansy ass wimps can stick to your it's too juvenile crap and hand over your manhood with your coin. Or you could grow a pair, or four and hunt!"

"It could be an interesting diversion." Mordin said looking away thoughtfully. He cleared his throat as all looked at him then. "For science of course. Study different cultures and rituals. Yes?"

"This is a competition for our Battle Master. We will do this. We will prevail!" Grunt said slamming his fist into his hand as he bounced on the balls of his feet. Grunt loved nothing more than competing especially if it was for his beloved Battle Master.

"I still think this is a set up, but what the hell? You only live once right?" Jacob said nodding to the Cerberus men in the room. "There needs to be rules about if you are in a relationship with the girl, they don't count."

"Agreed. This is about the hunt and challenge. Come on, Garrus." Joker pleaded. The others would all fall in line if he did. He was Shepard's right hand man.

Garrus drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Alright. I'm in. But when this goes to hell, I'm not taking the blame."

"Alright. You all have two hours. Get as many as you can. Remember only one per girl counts. We'll meet in the hold in two hours to tally up your finds. Good luck." Joker nodded to them. The men stood around nervously chatting for a few minutes. But finally some good-natured ribbing started and they all split.

Joker grinned and sat back in his chair. EDI popped up to dampen his happiness. "Commander Shepard will not approve of what you've done." EDI warned.

"She won't like my methods, but she'll like the results. If you ruin this, EDI, I swear I will find that wire to cross and hurt you." Joker threatened her.

"I look forward to watching this play out. Good luck, Mr. Moreau. It has been nice working with you."

"She'll understand when it's all over!" Joker protested, but EDI just disappeared. "She will." He insisted to the empty room.


	2. Chapter 2

"So that's the latest here." Shepard finished her tale of her disaster of a movie night story.

"Oh, honey, it's got to be rough. But you managed on the first Normandy." Hannah Shepard tried to sooth her agitated daughter.

"It was different then. Sort of. Well, no not really. But I just thought that if they all saw we were basically the same…" Shepard trailed off and sighed.

"Things don't wrap up neatly like in vids and stories, sweetie. I know you care about them all. Just be the leader you are and they'll all follow your example."

"I…" Shepard trailed off and turned to her door as it swooshed open.

Grunt rushed in and bounced excitedly. "Shepard, I need your panties!"

Shepard blinked at him and then turned back to her mother. "Um, Mom, I'm going to have to call you back. I have a…situation here."

"Why did he ask for your…" Shepard quickly disconnected the line and rubbed her face before turning back to Grunt.

"Why do you need my panties?" Shepard asked standing slowly. Wrex had assured her that Grunt would settle down now that he'd passed the rite. That his hormones wouldn't get the best of him anymore.

"For your honor." He nodded to her as if she should already know all of this.

"Grunt, what the hell are you talking about?"

"For the competition."

"What competition?"

"The one Joker is doing so we can pay him back the credit we owe him." Grunt explained. Shepard sighed and sat back down, resting her head in her hands.

"Let me get this straight. Joker is running some sort of competition that requires you to get my panties?" Shepard looked at Grunt who nodded. "Why exactly?"

"We owe him lots of credits. He said this was a way to earn some of them back."

"We?"

"Every male on the ship." Grunt nodded. Shepard looked up at him, her eyes widening.

"Ever male in the ship is going to ask me for my panties?"

"Doubtful. All were grumbling about yours. None had the nerve to try."

"Wait…are they going after others as well?"

"Each girl is worth a different amount. If I bring yours I will win." Grunt bounced again.

"You have got to be…Joker!" Shepard hissed. Shepard looked at Grunt who was watching her expectantly. "How long is this competition going to go on?"

"We have two hours to meet back in the hold. Can I have yours?"

Shepard stood up and moved to her drawers and pulled out a pair of standard issue alliance underwear. She never wore these, but there was no way anyone other than Joker was going to see what she really wore. Although after this stunt, it might be a while before Joker ever would again.

"You can have them on two conditions." Shepard said. Grunt tilted his head as he eyed her. "You don't ask anyone else for theirs, and you do not tell anyone else about this conversation until they ask you how you got mine." Shepard explained as she handed him the underwear. Grunt looked at them puzzled.

"What are these? They wouldn't protect anything."

"Just my modesty." Shepard smiled at him.

"I don't understand. What are they for?"

"Well, panties are what girls wear to cover their, um, private parts." Shepard tried to explain wishing she was doing anything but.

"Over their…oh. OH!" Grunt held them between his thumb and forefinger, making a face as he thought about the fact he was holding something so personal of his battle master's.

Shepard laughed and slapped him on the shoulder. "It's alright, Grunt. They haven't been worn." He nodded and tucked them away in his armor.

"Thank you, Shepard. This is for your honor."

"Um, thanks, Grunt." Shepard said and watched him leave. She waited until she heard the elevator moving before she contacted EDI.

"Joker asked me not to inform you, Commander." EDI said as soon as Shepard called her name.

"I'm not mad at you, EDI. I need your help to make sure we have all the girls meet us down in engineering in two hours and fifteen minutes. That should be enough time for Grunt to have dropped the bomb on the men."

"I'll deliver the message to all the female crew members five minutes before the time to meet you. That way none of the males wises up to it." EDI answered.

"Thanks, EDI."

**-0-**

Joker was feeling pretty good by the time the men started waving around their finds. Some things weren't a surprise. Miranda wore black lacy undies, not a huge shocker. But some things were insane. He was calling bullshit on Zaeed's insistence that the pair of pink polka dots with little pink bows on each hip was Jack's.

"There is no way she wears those! I bet she doesn't wear anything." Joker said.

Garrus held up another pair that had rainbows that sparkled on them. "These are hers too." Garrus laughed and shook his head. "I wouldn't have believed it either, but the whole drawer was full of these things."

The men laughed and taunted each other as the rest were revealed. It was going better than he could have hoped for. He then saw Grunt who had a giant grin on his face. He'd been too quiet.

"So did you get any, Grunt?" Joker asked silencing the room as they all turned to look at the grinning krogan.

"Just one pair." He shrugged casual like.

"Don't beat yourself up, kid. It's hard to get around unseen when you're a krogan." Zaeed said and slapped his shoulder.

"I only needed one pair to win." Grunt said smugly and triumphantly held up Shepard's underwear above his head.

All the men stared at him stunned. They then turned to Joker. "Are those Shepard's?" Thane asked.

"Not the ones she wears, but she has a few pairs like that." Joker said absently. "How the hell did you manage to get Shepard's?" Joker had only put her on there as a joke. There was no way anyone would have been able to get into her room without her knowledge except maybe Kasumi.

"I asked her for them." Grunt said just as Shepard had instructed.

"You did what?" Joker shrieked. Shepard was going to kill him.

Garrus narrowed his eyes at Joker as the men all began to shift around nervously. "I thought you said she knew about this."

"She, uh, knew I was working on something." Joker said nervously as the room shifted to glare at him.

Shepard debated letting Joker sweat a bit longer, but she didn't need him broken. She released her cloak and leaned against his chair. "I think we need to have a conversation about appropriate past times on the ship."

"Shepard, we can explain!" Garrus said quickly.

She waved him off. "Don't bother. I get it. Men are men no matter what. Or I guess I should say boys. This is pretty juvenile behavior. But I'm not mad. Amused, puzzled, but not mad."

"It was just a bit of fun. We weren't trying to cause trouble." Jacob said.

"Joker, my room. Now." She ordered and waited for him to get to the door before she followed. She paused at the door to look back at the men of her ship. "Don't look so worried. I'm not mad at you." The doors opened and angry female voices could be heard out in the hall. "I can't speak for the rest of the girls though." She grinned as she motioned the women in. "No killing, ladies."

Shepard was still smiling as they climbed into the elevator. Angry shouts could be heard coming from the cargo hold as well as frantic pleas. "Those are my favorite pairs, you jackasses!" Jack shouted as the doors shut and the elevator started up to Shepard's room.

"Care to tell me how panty raids are teambuilding?" Shepard asked looking at Joker.

"It will be. You'll see." He insisted relieved that she didn't seem mad. "Thanks for saving me back there." He said as the doors opened.

"I didn't want you broken. But if you think I'm done with you, you are mistaken."

"Now, hold on!" Joker said and followed her into her room. "You said you would trust me."

"And I also told you not to upset any of my friends."

"Oh, they'll get over it! And besides, the results will be worth it! Trust me!" He begged. "Come on, you said you would." He all but whined.

"Fine, but when it doesn't work to unite the men as a team, you have to go with me to that formal thing Liara's invited me to. And wear a tux."

"Alright. I'll agree because I know that I'm right. So when it does make them a team, what will you do for me?" He said sitting down on the bed.

"I'll do that thing that you like me to do." Shepard said and refused to look at him.

He leaned back on his elbows and grinned. "What thing? There's lots of things I like you to do."

"Don't make me say it."

"Fine, fine. But I'll only agree if it's buns and all."

"The buns go with the other." Shepard argued.

"Buns and all, or no deal."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I'll agree because I know that I'm right." She taunted him.

"We'll see who's right tomorrow night."

**-0-**

The next morning they rode the elevator down together to the mess hall. They were going to grab a quick bite together before heading to their jobs. Shepard froze as she rounded the corner and saw the table.

Jacob, Thane, Garrus, Zaeed, Hadley, Kenneth, Grunt, Mordin, and two other Cerberus men she couldn't recall their names were sitting together and laughing. At the next table Miranda, Jack, Kelly, Gabby, Kasumi, Samara, and Tali were sitting together and shooting dirty looks at the men.

"Even Thane is sitting at the table." Shepard said stunned. Thane hardly ever came out of life support unless it was for a mission.

Joker gave her a smirk and swaggered as best he could to the mess line. "Oh look! Big honey buns today. I just love big honey buns, don't you?" Joker couldn't help but poke.

"Laugh it up, Joker!" She snapped.

"Ah, honey! I thought you would be happier." He laughed as she rounded the corner and flipped him an obscene gesture. "Real mature, Shepard!"


	3. Chapter 3

Later that night he leaned back against the headboard and waited for Shepard to come out of the restroom. "Come on! You lost fair and square, so pay up!" Joker called.

"I hate you!" Shepard grumbled as the door opened.

"No, you don't." He smirked and devoured her as she moved to the stairs. "Now say the line."

"Joker." She sighed heavily.

"Just once?" He pouted.

She sighed heavily again. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope." She then frowned at him. "Wasn't she with that other guy? And wasn't Obi-Wan dead?"

"Shepard, stop talking. You're killing me. We are so going to have a marathon as soon as we have some shore leave."

She made her way to the bed and posed for him. "Is this good enough? Can I take off the ridiculous outfit now?"

"No, I…wait, yes. By all means, take off the outfit." Joker smirked and sat up. "And being such a good guy, I'll even help." Joker loved the fact she liked him enough to wear the slave outfit and her hair in the buns. He had decided that the first time she'd done it the fact she would was the best part of it. Not that he'd tell her that.

"You know I'm still mad at you, right?" She asked as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"It worked, didn't it?" He said and kissed her neck. She leaned her head back to give him more access and wrapped her arms around him.

"I guess it did."

"What was that? Can you say it again? This time with a 'you were right, Joker'?"

"You were right, Joker." She said and narrowed her eyes at him as she shoved him onto the bed. "Just remember this moment when I get even."

"Get even?" He asked worriedly, but then she was climbing over him and he lost all thoughts but about how lucky he was that he got to be here with her.

**-0-**

Months went by and nothing came of Shepard's threat. Or so Joker thought and had relaxed his guard. Shepard joined him shortly before his shift was over and leaned in for a quick kiss. They were getting the hang of their relationship pretty quickly.

"So I was thinking that maybe while we're docked in Illium, maybe we should do something." Joker said wondering if he'd lost his mind. He was asking his commanding officer out on a date. It felt weird, but he'd realized they'd never done anything together other than watch some vids in her room, eat a meal together in the mess or her room, and well, a lot of really awesome things that involved her room but a gentleman would never say those out loud.

"Are you asking me out on a date, or are you telling me you need me to do something on Illium?" Shepard asked.

"I guess it was stupid." He sighed.

"No!" She said quickly. "It wasn't. It isn't. I just wasn't sure. I've not been asked out too many times." She quirked her mouth to the side realizing that was probably something you shouldn't admit.

"Their loss." He smiled at her. "So?"

"That sounds good. Have something in mind?" She asked.

"Well, I do believe I told you once dancing was out, but I thought dinner somewhere that didn't involve the rest of the crew. Maybe catch a concert or something."

"How about you take care of the details, and I'll pick out what to wear." She teased him. He was trying to think of something clever to say when EDI butted in.

"Commander, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains." EDI said.

"What?" Joker asked looking from Shepard to EDI. "I think it's finally lost it."

"Shepard." EDI said simply.

"The rain…OH! Operation Payback is a Bitch is a go!" Shepard said having completely forgotten their code in the excitement of Joker's asking her out.

"Operation…what the hell has gotten into the two of you?" Joker asked watching Shepard. He then glanced around as the level of noise behind them rose in pitch. All the girls were laughing and looking at the men. Joker looked back to find Shepard pulling something out of a small crawl space.

"Remember how you wanted a mirror up here so you could see when people were hovering behind you?" She asked.

"Uh, huh." He said worriedly. He didn't like her grin at all.

"Ta-dah!" She sang and presented him with a mirror.

"That's, um, nice of you." He said and then looked in the mirror. "What the hell?" He cried as his face began to change to a hot pink color. He rubbed it, but it didn't come off. He then shrieked as he saw his hands were the same shade. "What did you do?" He yelled as he looked around. All the men were turning pink and the girls were laughing.

"I did warn you we were going to pay you back for it, right?" She asked and sat back on his console. "And you guys had so much fun with all your scheming, I didn't think it was right that we girls didn't get some of our own. So we devised a plan to pay you all back."

"By turning us pink!"

"Yep." Shepard laughed.

"How? How do I get it off?" He asked.

"Oh, it will eventually wear off." Shepard shrugged.

"Shepard, what the hell?" Garrus demanded through her com.

"Just a bit of payback, Gar. Don't toy with it or…"

"SON OF A BITCH!" Garrus shouted.

"It will get worse." Shepard finished with a laugh. Joker shoved around her and pulled up the surveillance vids of the main battery. Garrus wasn't only bright pink. Now he had purple polka dots.

"What have you done?"

"Well, we tried to come up with what to do, but it was difficult. It had to be all of you, and it had to be as big as what you all did. Kasumi thought we should leave all of you only women's underwear to wear. But we thought that wasn't good enough. Kelly was the one who suggested turning you all funny colors. Samara suggested putting it in the men's showers, but we knew that wouldn't work. Some of you men have access to private showers. And we needed you all to turn at the same time. So Tali and EDI came up with the plan to put it in the water systems. It's nanites that they programmed to only color the males of the ship with a command from EDI. We've just been waiting for every male to shower. Grunt was the hold out. He doesn't shower too often."

"So now that you've all got your revenge, you're going to turn it off now, right?" Joker asked trying not to panic. There was no way Shepard would make them all go around pink, would she?

"Remember that moment in my room? I told you to remember it when I got even. Well, I'm getting even."

"That's not fair! You distracted me with sex, and I had no idea you were going to do something so devious!" Shepard just grinned at him. "Come on! Turn it off! I was a jerk. I never should have thought up the panty raid even though it worked." She arched her brow at him. "Alright, that was a bit assy. I shouldn't have rubbed it in when I won the bet." She stood up and kissed him.

"Thanks for that." He whirled around as she walked off.

"Hey! I'm still pink here!" He called.

"I'm not the only girl on the ship you offended."

"I'll send out a mass apology letter to the others. Just turn it off now!" He begged.

"That still leaves EDI."

"You're letting a machine decide my punishment?" He yelled and glanced nervously at the blue orb. He couldn't say for sure, but it seemed a bit smug as it shimmered.

"Sister solidarity, Joker. You offended her too."

"It's a machine!" He yelled.

"And with that attitude, Mr. Moreau, you will stay pink." EDI snipped at him.

"Come on, EDI! I was joking. EDI? EDI!" Joker yelled as she winked out.

Shepard laughed as she made her way through the ship, nodding to the crew as she went. There was good-natured arguing and teasing going on all around. She had to give it to Joker and his out of the box idea. Seemed panty raids were a good way for teambuilding. They were ready for whatever the Collectors threw at them next. Even if half the crew was pink.


End file.
